ADVENTURES IN RETIREMENT: Senior Dating

By Frances McGowin

Not Senior in high school or college. Senior means, we get discounts at stores, Medicare, and our own parking spaces. Makes us sound so feeble and needy, but we absolutely are not. I mean senior as in after 65, wiser, and better.

Although men who plan to date women over 60 may find my advice entertaining, I am writing to advise other senior women like me who are dating or considering the possibility of dating.

1. Understand WHY you are dating… it makes a difference in how you will access the mating market. Are you?  A. Looking for a husband, B. Looking for a committed partner, C. Looking for a friend, D. Want a free pet sitter, E. Bored, F. Other?
2. If you are looking for a husband at 65+, understand why you are seeking a husband. A. Lonely, B. Need money, C. Need a nurse, D. Want help with housekeeping, E. Bored, F. Other?

Keep in mind that you are attracting the exact man that wants to get married or have a relationship for the same reasons. Your reasons for having a man in your life will reverberate in the man that comes into your life.

I am all about weighing all my options, but it is impossible from the human vantage point to know all options, thus how can I possibly determine the right mate? So, don’t plan on me giving out any meaningful advice in this category of dating or finding a mate!

Instead, let’s explore together best-case scenarios and worse-case scenarios for senior dating.

Blind date. One of your new friends in Fairhope has a single male friend whom she says is a great guy, very intellectual, and knows wine. This could mean he is a single man who is a good trivia regurgitator and can choose from all wines housed in a box. Best case scenario: he is smart and a fine wine collector. Worst case scenario: he relates only to books, not people, and knows the fermentation process of wine, but doesn’t actually drink it.

A friend swears about online dating having met her husband on a dating site. (Have you met her husband?) Best case scenario: after joining a dating site, you meet the love of your life. Medium case scenario: you have several nice conversations via email and phone until deciding to meet when you discover he posted 20-year-old photos of himself, lied about his height and financial status, and does not take rejection well. Worst case scenario: he turns out to be an ax murderer and the relationship ends abruptly.

A nice man befriends you on the pickleball courts and asks you out. Best case scenario: you have so much in common that you establish an easy close relationship. Medium case scenario: you have nothing in common other than pickleball. Worst case scenario: he turns out to be a charming con artist, steals all your money, and moves away.

A family member who feels sorry for you because you are not married invites a family man-friend to a cousin’s wedding to meet you. Best case scenario: he is a great dancer and a fun conversationalist. Medium case scenario: he assumes you are a desperate female on the prowl and tries to make out with you on the dance floor. Worst case scenario: He whines to your family members about how badly you are treating him and explains why you can never have a meaningful relationship with anyone. They all get mad at you.

Best advice from my limited experience and perspective:

1. Be aware of the signs that a man is a liar, con artist, or murderer. The signs are there like he has endless excuses, or he asks for money, or he carries an ax on his belt. Don’t ignore the signs because you are a “desperate woman on the prowl.” Get out before investing another minute!
2. Be open to being friends first. Friendships that grow into loving relationships allow you to know a person without pretense or agenda.
3. Don’t go into dating with unattainable expectations. Nobody is perfect. As a senior in life, we are mostly set in our “ways.” Make sure your “ways” are compatible with the other person’s “ways” instead of expecting anyone to change their “ways”.
4. Easy is imperative! You don’t need fireworks for a great relationship, although a few bells and whistles are nice. Kindness, laughter, consideration, and some cooking skills are the perfect ingredients for an easy-to-love connection.

Be happy in everything that you do so you will attract a man that is happy in his life. Don’t even try to fit a square peg into a round hole; just go out and find a round peg or wait for one to come to you! Usually, the worst-case scenario is that your relationship would not work out, but the best case is that it does. Might be worth the risk.

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